Friday 6 March…..Dubai….barren, soulless and dry. The perfect destination to invigorate a losing side…..on the plus side they encourage stoning…..
The mood in the airport reflected the recent form. Some players had been very proficient and checked themselves in with no issues, signing autographs happily and looking forward to some sunshine training. Others had become confused and disorientated.
Sing Song had missed the trip entirely. True to recent form he’d misplaced his passport, and then turned up at Euston for the Euro Star rather than Heathrow. In a tearful call Allerdice told him “Eeer eer petal, go and get some rest, ‘ah think season ‘as cawt’ up wit thee. Go and buy sum silleee ‘ats and cheers thyelf up and we’ll see ya next week”.
The thought of being away from the group saddened Sing Song, but the thought of silly hats soon eroded that cloud…..
Enid had had trouble at the check in desk. His suitcase had hit the left bar and the right bar of the weighing machine and seemed destined never to go in. However his tenacious never say die attitude saw him achieve it at the third time of asking. Allerdice checked his watch. Enid had been on his feet for 70 minutes now….he beckoned him over “Enid me littl’ dumpling, go and sit on that bench for the remainder until we’re called to the gate”, Enid stood puzzled “But boss, I’m fine?”, Allerdice glared “We’ll ‘ave no backchat Enid thank you, look at Chicken Kev sat down nicely over there wiv ‘is crayons, ya don’t ‘ere a peep outta ‘im do thee?”, Enid stood, chastened and confused, realising he would not win this battle. He went and sat on the bench.
Wenston couldn’t sit still at all. He was playing with his new app “Income calculator” and kept cheering out suddenly or screaming “Nar fackin way mate!”
Adrian was filming everything he could on his phone and happily accepting selfies with fans. The airport police were concerned with the crowding he was causing and pulled him to one side, “Sorry Sir, we can see everyone is having a good time but please do not film in here and do not take photos near fire exits”, Adrian smiled and embraced the officer “Of corze mar frend, Im am from Seville!” chirped Adrian happily “Of course you are Sir” replied the officer “I score a penalteee, like theees, pleasea watch” Adrian frantically began searching his phone for videos “Thank you Sir but we all have a day job” and he scurried away, “Maybeee nexta time mar friend?” pleaded Adrian…the officer didn’t turn back.
The officer had in fact been drawn to a commotion around the vending machine. A lady was being obstructed by a group of Chelski fans. They wouldn’t let her past to order her black coffee…..
Boarding the plane Allerdice noted the full time out patient and part time footballer Big Andee was being loaded into the luggage hold in his horse box. Chicken Kev had agreed to sit with him and feed him sugar cubes for the duration. Wile E Koyate was also going into the hold. His 18ft arms were too long for commercial jet seating plans, therefore he’d had them rolled and crated for safety reasons.
Drowning had been particularly efficient and was first to board. He’d brought his scrapbook of “Plane facts” and was keen to record all the details of the inflight mechanisms, then log them on his spreadsheet when he got home. He’d just managed to get his anorak in the overhead luggage compartment when Allerdice boomed “Eehh me lad, we’ll not have thee in the middle section of the seating! That’s no place for your talents, get thee over t’ window seet, you’ll be far ‘appier there me littl’ sparrow”. Drowning muttered something about a ducks wake…..
The flight itself was as smooth as Brody’s legs. Allerdice caused some consternation among 1st class with his snoring, but once the team convinced the pilot the drop the oxygen masks “for a laugh” he soon sprung out of his seat, knocking women and children aside “where’s mar parashoot!!!” he screamed at the petrified stewardess as he grabbed her by the lapels. It was only when he saw Mark Nurbel and James Tonks crying with laughter he knew he’d been had…..
The destination itself was perfect. Training in the sun by day, lounging in the pool in the afternoon, lazy evenings sampling bland neon lights.
Sully was happier than ever.
His team secure in the PL, long term signings secured, his blood pressure slowly decreasing, sun on his back.
The local zoo was a pleasant accompaniment next to the pool, although Mrs S moaned that she was sure “that Camel bleedin stinks, summit wrong wiv it”.
However Sully’s zebra print thong was very well received by Mrs Sully, although the staff at the Al-Shabadadoo hotel were less than impressed. The pool boy kept staring at Sully and tracing a finger across his own neck. Sully assumed he must have a sore throat and offered him a strepsil, which wasn’t well received “Not for everyone I guess” said Sully as he turned and scratched his arsecheek…..
It was the conversations with his new friend Al-whyareweallcalledAl-Habab-kebab that really piqued Sully interest however.
Sully had been regaling “Mr Kebab” with tales of the “OS, the legions of fans, transport links, the most historical city in the world!”, Mr Kebab was very keen on adding funding “Can we have golf course on pitch?” he enquired, “Not on the pitch me old china, but we can get one in somewhere I’m sure!” retorted Sully…..
It was around this time Brody noticed the burning smell.
Each of the last 3 days she’d smelt it around late afternoon, and it vanished as soon as Mr Gold retired for the afternoon. He’d stayed in the sun longer this time, enjoying Sully’s conversation with Mr Kebab.
It was then she realised he’d been topping up with his Pantene pro v hairspray every hour, rather than his sun cream spray. He was literally cooking himself.
As she stood to inform Mr G of the error and to seek a cool bath, it was apparent his hair could no longer stand the pressure. In a combustible explosion, his gold and silver lock projected a flame 30 feet into the sky.
Gold jumped up, aware something had happened and a feeling as though the NYE firework had been lit on his head. Allerdice had just turned the corner, looking forward to a dip after a feisty training session.
He’d been keen to trial his new blue mankini.
However the sight that greeted him was like something from a horror scene. People running and screaming, Mr Guld's hair on fire, Sully trying to rip a towel from a man’s head, presumably in an effort to put out the flames…..
Allerdice knew he was best equipped to deal with emergencies.
He was the man to call in times of trouble. Quick as a flash he noted the bucket of water next to the camel. He ran and expertly lifted the bucket by the handle in one swoop, not breaking stride, he swerved the man fighting Sully over his tea towel and threw the water over Sully’s head.
The sizzling noise resembled last night’s BBQ, but the flames had been put out and Guld was saved. As he sat touching his scorched scalp he grabbed Allerdice “Oh my dear boy thank you thank you!” he shook, still in shock from the event….
Unbeknown to Allerdice, his noble feat had unfortunately upset the camel beyond belief. The camel had been witnessing these gruesome men in their inappropriate attire for days, and now to take his only water source, well this was the straw that would break the………
Gathering up his strength, raising up onto his hind legs, he rose and jumped the fence that contained him. The sound of hoof on slate tile was incredulous.
Sully and Mr Kebab turned just in time to see the crazed camel charging at them, Sully had only one way out, jumping into the pool, he pulled the non-swimming Mr Kebab with him “ARRGGGHHH” screamed the poor Sheikh, who if he had any intention of investing in the club, had now firmly decided against joining these crazed people.
Allerdice however had no such time to react. By the time Gold had lifted a shaking, withering finger to point behind him, the Camel had bared its teeth and zeroed in on Allerdices backside…..
The surgeons were unsure how the tooth got so far up Allerdices sphincter, but they knew they’d never seen anything like it before…..
By the time his private ambulance plane had flown him home, Sully was picking up the tabloid headlines from his desk. “Allerdice gets the hump”, "Allerdices pain in the backside", “Sully tries to drown Sheikh”, “Gulden shower”.
He placed the paper back down on the table. The colour drained from his face…..