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Hammers Get The Ugly Tart!

nevillenixon's picture
Submitted by nevillenixon on Mon, 30/12/2019 - 01:23

Love him or loathe him, ex- a million team's manager Ian Holloway always had a wonderful ability to describe football exactly as it said on the tin, and once famously, and probably a little misogynisticically described an away draw as 'pulling the the ugliest tart at a party, but at least she came home in the taxi".

And so, humbled at having tried to dine at the 'top table' with their Chilean 'Michelin Starred Chef', the West Ham United hierarchy have gone full belt and braces and elected to go for the full English, nay Scottish, fast order breakfast chef David Moyes to keep the locals from participating in another 'Burnley Gate'!

Spurned from getting the Everton gig that he so wanted by some Italian hotshot, David Moyes has elected to jump in to bed with a relationship he knows well, only this time he wants power of attorney for a year more then he was first granted, which to many ended unfairly. You know the story, stalwart stay at home replaced by more exotic cultured foreigner, a recipe that generally ends up with an expensive divorce, here is what the 'returning wife' had to say, through gritted teeth, having seen off the glamorous interloper.

‘It’s fabulous to be back, It feels great to be home. I’ve missed being here because I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed being around the stadium and I loved being in this part of the world and I missed the Club, so I can’t wait to get started. I’m feeling very proud that I’m back here at West Ham. But I think more importantly I’ll be looking to see what I can do and what I can make improvements to, how we can get some wins with the players and how we can get some quick wins on the field as well. ‘I do believe that the squad of players I’ve got here is a better squad of players than when I took over before, so I am looking forward to working with them"

Too bloody right Moyes, they did a 'Joe Hart' on you, and the only two reasons you have accepted the eighteen month gig is because your Manchester United pay off has finally run out, and you don't like doing football punditry, the latter of which is to be admired. Yes he has got a much better squad to work with than before, but he has less time than previously to turn things around!

Moyes' back room staff have not been confirmed as yet, (well not officially anyway), and it can only be hoped that somehow he can convince Stuart 'psycho' Pearce and Joe Cole to join him in putting the 'Irons' back in the team, triple sessions anyone? - Ed

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mcbikeman's picture

This is the best move the club can make.....i have little doubt that those players who worked under him before are thinking s**t gonna have to work hard and stop being the lazy bastards on the pitch that we have been...i would like to see Rio come in to help with the defensive coaching but i doubt that which is a shame but i actually feel this morning that we are now in better shape to survive than we were under El Pel

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49 users have voted.

Well said bikerman ,my thoughts exactly, trouble is the moaning has already started before he's sat in the office, I'd rather had big sam back than stuck with el fail ,after all that's life as a west ham fan hopefully onwards and upwards coyi

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66 users have voted.
boogerscaravan's picture

Absolutely Dicksy. Steady safe mediocrity. Out of the headlines. Bloody hard to beat and the odd goal fest or two. Moyes will bring stability and build slowly. I'll take all of that after the constant roller coaster we as a club are on.

Hopefully the dildos will piss off in time and we'll all be the better for it!!!!

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46 users have voted.

Oi big boy, what's your name?

Dartford Bhoy's picture

heres the proof...

In 90 years in the Football League / Premier League.
61 of those years in the top division.
We have won 6 Cups & lost 6 finals
We have had 38 x bottom half finishes Including 6 x Relegations.

Are we on the up, are we the same as always, or are we getting worse ?
Not from month to month but over a 5 year period.

2005 / 2010 our average league finish was 12th and right now I would take that!

2011 / 2015 Average Premier league finish 14th and again I would take that!

2016 / 2019, not this season, average Premier finish, 10th, not bad!

Said it before the problem is we are a top 20 Global club in terms of money, support etc etc but still sit in a city were we are not (yet) even top 4. Breaking into the top 6 in the prem is dam hard, its chicken and egg. To move on you need top players and top players wont join a club that doesnt play Champions League.

So whats the solution? IMO change the focus. Role models are not Chavski / Arse etc etc but clubs like Leicester. Emphasis is on development and attracting those players with ambition to play CL. Yes, over time like Leicester you will lose best players to the top clubs the skill is having that conveyor belt constantly running! Can Moyes do this? Maybe...his time at Everton still suggests he was no mug and a club thats a similar size could just be the answer.

In short we are AVERAGE and 3 seasons at the LS is unlikely to change years of mediocrity.

On the way home on Saturday I was mega depressed, doesnt help the trains are crap at the moment so over 3 hours travelling, and thought thats the last time I'm going there but some how El Pel gone maybe we can stay up?

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50 users have voted.

Dont give up dartford,i know the trains can be a pisser,and theres certainly more lows than highs,and i for one have shouted more abuse this season than any other,and left early also,and to come home after a gutfull of beer to then be told that we are useless from the wife.......I think to myself is it worth it?????.......coarse it is lol!!!! We are West Hams Claret and Blue Army!!!!!

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64 users have voted.

When our old mate dartford is thinking of knocking it on the head you know we are in a mess!!I salute you Essex for still putting yourself through the torture.i was doing the same last season,bellyfull of beer & the last game I attended home to spuds me & my son went home when they went 3-1 up,that's the only time in 50 years that I've gone home from a game early...the stadium is not for me but I reckon Moyes will do a pretty good job with the squad hes got so it's not all doom & gloom for the bowl of misery!!!

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54 users have voted.
Dartford Bhoy's picture

happy new year buddy!

I was really tempted to call it a day 65 but maybe the change at the helm might work. I will be there tomorrow, a few rail beers on route, a huge dollop of optimism, meeting my bruv and two sets of old pals at the Heineken bar and all my troubles are over... until 19.20 :o)

I agree about Moyes, but recall he was in charge when the Burnley Riots took place, I will never forget jumping of the tube to separate WH fans from fighting each other, that was without doubt the lowest low in my entire WH support. Never happened in our day, it was the away fans that were terrified!

Going to the BoM is not easy but I have just got used to losing there. When we win, which is rare like against MU, theres still no better place to be!

Keep the faith 65, our day will come, WH WILL own the BoM and convert to a proper footie ground, the tax payer will not put up with subsidising a cash rich Prem League club for long! Have a great 2020, COYI's!!!!!

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58 users have voted.
Dartford Bhoy's picture

Happy new year buddy!!! I will never give up on WH but my god they make life very difficult! We have a lot in common, I had a gut load of beer also and a Mrs that said the same... they are useless but, to her credit she reminds me of the other reasons for going.. A few beers with my big bruv who lives 70 miles away, time with my son or a old pal, meeting up with some mates I haven't seen for well over 35 years etc etc. We are a family and ... we are West Hams Claret and Blue army!!! KTF!!! COYI's!!!

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48 users have voted.

I think weve all got a lot in common,not only me missus but the whole family think westham are useless!!but it's in the veins you cant just entirely let it go,we have decided to get tickets for tomorrow,not for the stadium,not for the owners but cos we will get together as a family,have a beer or 3 & get behind the team...

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44 users have voted.
Dartford Bhoy's picture

Of all the games we have left I will pray for a result for you and the family, I really hope you have a great day out!!!

Aviod those bl--dy tourists and stay away from the popcorn venders :o)

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43 users have voted.

Thanks dartford,bit of a last minute thing to organise & I said I would never step foot in the place again!! Oh well its westham that counts & I'll have me half/half scarf on pal!! ;)

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44 users have voted.

Thats the spirit Dartford,i dont listen to the wife either lol,i still keep going sober or not,we are old school,happy new year to you and have a good day tomorrow.........And to you 65,glad your going tomorrow,this could be the start of you getting back to it,and a thumping good win for us....COYI

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48 users have voted.
Dartford Bhoy's picture

Hope you had a good celebration, have a great day today (and you 65), fingers crossed the trains are running ok, will meet my bhoy at the station soon, stop off at a pub in Paddington where a number of WH lads stop for a few sherbets, on to the Heineken bar still will hopes of a result... Come on you Optimistic Irons!!!!

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45 users have voted.

and what a good fixture to start with a fellow struggling club hope we can pick up 3 points

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45 users have voted.
metbobby1's picture

to 2020 now. David Moyes did a good job when he was with us last time around and I too thought he was unfairly gotten rid of. Those of us who’ve been fans since the 60s know full well we’ve always been an ‘average’ team but, on our day, can beat the best in the country. What we need is stability and consistency. Hopefully ‘Moysey’ will be able to give us both.
The icing on the cake would be for SuGo and their moll to clear off now!!
COYI!!!!!

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49 users have voted.

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