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Hammers transfer supremo Tim Steidten is juggling with the limited finances and assets available to him in order to facilitate as many as TEN signings, both in and out of the club. Whether the deals can be got over the line before February the 1st is debatable, but he seems determined to give it a good try!

Those attending the 'viagra and acid' rave down at Stockley Park were 'well impressed' by the lavish spread laid on by Robert Jones enterprises who specialise in 'elite' VIP parties for privileged footballers and Z list 'soshall' media celebrities.

" The light show was fantastic " said one female party goer who was still able to string a cohesive sentence together, but he friend summed up the party atmosphere by saying Jones's body make up stole the show!

Once an ever present 'sparky' adopted 'Cockerney' who lit up the pitch while wearing the Claret & Blue, Pablo Fornals has descended into a shadow of the player he once was. His performace today against Sheffield Utd was truly woeful and followed on from his previous awful performances against Bristol City and Brighton.

Gone are his bursting runs and Duracell bunny running from box to box, his eye for a goal has completely left his repertoire, instead being replaced with a sideways or backwards pass that invariably puts a team mate in trouble.