Test & Trace meets Hans Facespace Episode 1

Picture the scene. A little lock up garage in Canning Town one wet Wednesday afternoon. Test and Trace are having a heated debate about welding. “Oi Test” shouts Trace, whilst chewing gum and smoking a fag. “That’s my name init, don’t wear it out” says Test who speaks fluent OMGI.
“I’ve asked yer 4 times now, if this cut and shut is going out tomorrow”. “Cos if it is that dirty great hole in the roof needs welding up proper”. Trace is getting antsy now. “I thought you said you were a faaaacking welder”!

“Shaaat up Trace, I am a welder init, I’ve seen Flashdance 16 times. Itsa piece a piss fam.” Anyway, that dirty great holes a sunroof blood init”. You is to cars what Donald Trump is to hairdressing you get me?”
“You getting on me tits, I’m off to evacuate my bowels, last nights ruby is giving me proper agg”. If I ang around ere much longer and drop another air biscuit with this welding gear. We’ll all go up, ya get me”?

“Your such a classy geezer aint yer. I dunno why I put up with yer”. You’d better open the window and not leave a mess in there ya dirty bastard.
Just then the phone rings. Trace answers it. “Allo Test & Trace quality repairs, Trace speaking ow can I elp ya?” On the other end of the phone is a German gentleman called Hans Facespace. Hans comes from Bavaria drinks Festbier and wears lederhosen at the weekend.
“Ven is mine car ready please”? say’s Hans. It is ze German Volkswagen” well I suppose it would be wouldn’t it. “Old on luv, I’ll just go and ave a word with the workshop” says Trace.

“Oi Test, some foreign geezer on the phone asking about his motor. A VW or summink”.
“Yeah mon, tell him it’s ready now init. I just changed the wass a name, put a new one on it’s sweet now ya get me?”
Trace comes back in the workshop. I faaacked him off. Told him to pick it up last knockings today.

“Ere Test, why do they call you Test anyway, I thought your name was Dave”?
“Yeah it is, but Dave’s not very street is it? Cos I knock out all these bent MOT’s they call me Test fam ya get me blood? “Why do they call you Trace”?
“Cos me names Tracey ya thick twonk”. Now you better get this cut and shut out a bit rapid. We’re getting ten large for this job from look the other way Lionel. I’ve got a £5k retainer out to get me tits made bigger”.

“Whos doin that then fam? Don’t tell me you’ve got webbed up with Botox Benny from Plaistow. He’s a right melt he’s got the brains of a rocking horse init. They say, if his brains were made of dynamite, he wouldn’t have enough to blow his hat off. Let alone blow your tits up”.

“That’s rich coming from you. Someone who makes Danny Dyer look like Shakespeare, whoever the faaack he was. Anyway, I wanna go home tonight on time. I got me West Ham box set “avin a laugh in the Intertoto cup” to watch on HD”.

“Alright sweetcheeks, don’t get yer tenna pants in a twist” says Test. "I aint hanging about either init. I gotta go up the VD clinic and get me results. Aint my fault I’ve been sitting on the pub carzi, you get me”?

To Be Continued………………………………

Burkie111's picture

The king is dead , long live the king .
Come on D H your not just going to except defeat are you ?.

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nevillenixon's picture

As Darren Harry's legal representative all I can say is.......

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Bondsy's picture

Luv it!!!

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