Forward Des(troy)s Move

In what has already been described as a desperate bid to attract the attention of Premier League clubs, Watford's Troy Deeney has been 'bigging up' his goal return compared to that of Hammers' Sebastien Haller and The Toons' Joelinton. “I definitely still see myself as a Premier League striker, I scored double figures last season on one leg, now I’m over my knee troubles. I’m back on two legs,” Deeney told his fellow 'gutter snipes' and bastions of honesty The Sun.

Troy Deeney doesn't believe in kicking a man when he is down, he does it while they are upright and when they are down! Deeney is known for being 'outspoken' which is a very kind appraisal of a self confessed thug who knows he has to make up for his lack of ability by his physicality. Big man Deeney is also wary of plying his trade in the Championship because (a) there are players there who he has 'left his mark' on in the past, and (b) he will be the recipient of the type of industrial tackles he is used to dishing out.

Many fans were fearing the worse when it transpired that Troy Deeney was available at a 'bargain price', and knowing how dreadful the transfer kitty is were anticipating the "We have always wanted Troy to join the club and are pleased to announce his signing of a four year deal for an undisclosed fee". Horror of horrors it might yet happen, but his blatant critcism of West Ham in his latest outburst' combined with some extremely derogatory comments about the club in the past will hopefully have burned any bridges he may have had.

West Ham are desperate for players at bargain basement rates, but the club should still have a bit of pride, and consign Deeney in to the same folder headed 'D' that contains Daniel Levy. - Ed