The Board Room Episode 1

“Morning sports fans, glad you all could make it this morning. As you know I’ve called this meeting to find a new Jock. Good morning, Sir Trev as an honouree Ambassador I felt you should be here to,” said Dave.

“Cheers Dave” said Sir Trev. “Ere Dave, you couldn’t put your hands on another one of them cashmere overcoats could yer”? This ones 15 years old, I wear it everywhere and it’s knackered”. “I have a certain image to keep up you know”. “Calm yourself Trev”, said Dave, “I’ll have a word with Boris my Russian Tailor, he makes all my coats n hats that make me look like the mad monk”. “What Putin”? Mumbled Sir Trev whilst maintaining his trademark gritted teeth smile. “Whatever Trevor,” said Dave.

Goldie almost chokes on his corn flakes. “Haha good one Dave,” said Goldie. “Heh Trev, I bet no one's ever actually said that to you before have they”? “Course not Goldie and do you really have to slurp those things in here? It’s a board meeting for Christ sake”. “Stone me,” said Goldie”. “Did you just take our lords name in vain”? “Ere Dave, he never got booked on the pitch but he’s showing his true colours now”.

“Buttplugs” blurts out Lady B loudly whilst staring into her iPad. “That’s it Buttplugs she says looking enormously pleased with herself. This time Goldie spits out all his corn flakes over the table. “Are you on glue Lady B”, he asks with a puzzled expression. “No Goldie buttplugs, I’ve just had a eureka moment to push up revenue!”. Dave gives Trev a nudge, “push up something he remarks”.” There's no need for that Dave”, says Lady B. “That new boy, the Italian one who looks like somebody’s drawn all over him, very handsome” says Lady B getting a hot flush. “Jan Loooka” says Trev “that’s his name Lady B, Jan Loooka”

“Thank you, Trev, I’m well aware what he’s called. Dave pipes up “the Italian one, the French one, ze German one, the Checkle brothers, the Pole”. It’s like the bloody league of nations downstairs”. I went in that dressing room the other day and I couldn’t understand a bloody word that was said”. “An another thing if big Mick doesn’t stop doing the elephant trick with that bloody great Hampton of his I swear I’ll sell him”.

“Wait a minute Dave” says Goldie, “I thought we were here to talk about a replacement for Yoda”. “We are, but I want to hear what Lady B has got to say after all money is money” says Dave rubbing his hands together at the prospect. “Thank you, Dave,” says Lady B. “As I was saying, “we’ll have that Italian boys face in club colours mounted on our premium buttplug range. That way male and females alike can enjoy it”

“I like it Lady B, a sort of come and sit on Jan Loookas face and wriggle” Blurts out Trev hardly containing himself at being non-PC for once in his life. “Really Sir Trev I didn’t expect that” quipped Lady B.

“Enough already” says Goldie.

“I think we should go for a British manager this time” says Dave.

“Jock is British says Goldie”. “Is he”? Says Dave. “Cant understand a bloody thing he says either”.

“What about Rogers at Leicester”? Say’s Sir Trev

“Yes, that’s it” says Dave, Paddy as the new Jock he’ll fit right in”

“Dave it's not 1975 anymore, you can't use terms like that these days. It’s racist” said Sir Trev looking deadly serious.

“Bollocks” said Dave, “I was watching the Love Thy Neighbour box set last night with Mrs Dave, she loved it and wanted to watch the best of It aint half hot Mum. But I was knackered and knew I’d have to be in here at the crack of sparrow's fart”!

“What about Thomas Tinkle? Said Lady B

“Ze German”, said Dave alarmed at the thought. “Over my dead body” he added.

“He did lose the dressing room in Paris and again up West,” said Goldie

“What, he left them on the bus, don’t mention the war “said Dave chuckling to himself.

Looks like your humour is stuck in 1975 too, said Sir Trev

“Alright what’s the chances of getting that wop over from the Spud u Likes”? Said Dave

Dave you're going too far now I think it’s time for your medication” said Lady B

“Time for a break”, said Goldie

TBC