Go Hammers!

Well howdily doodily dandy folks.
What a difference an absence of many months makes.
Such a lot can happen can it not? New manager, new/old goalkeeper, old/reinvigorated midfielder, false 9 strikers (sure I’ve seen this somewhere before) new injured players.
Meanwhile I’ve never seen so many stats around how far players do (or do not) run. Thanks goodness for technology eh? Apparently a pair of eyes and half a brain are superseded by these amazing technicians.
I think it was for this very reason the club must have noticed my new app.
It’s called “Icantellacuntwheniseeone” and is avaiblae on iTunes for £3.99. Treat the family. All you have to do is scan an image of the nearest available person and my expertly designed software will give you instant results.
I used it when we signed Arnautovic. Darn thing nearly went into meltdown (especially after it was last used on Carroll). Other suspects that have caused my technical guys to increase “cuntdom” storage are Cresswell, Obiang and Ayew.
Anyhow, the software releases have calmed down a touch now and its sensitivity seems to be stabilising.
Busy times in the DH household.
It was the success of the App, and likely me being an all-round loveable person with incredible business acumen, that I was employed by the club exactly 6 months ago today.
Maybe the club recognised, from this very site, that my drive, ambition and love for the club was essentially unmatched.
They needed a man of the people.
Someone that could voice the fans opinion, make sure we were aligned and agreed, supporting our soccer team with the passion on a Manchester United fan.
I have to say it’s been a marriage made in heaven.
Many of my suggestions have gone down a storm. I literally have people in the concourse wanting to embrace me. Its humbling.
What success do you speak of I hear you say?? Let me begin:
My half n half scarf initiative is going through the roof. Really no accounting for how many diverse and liberal fans there are out there who buy this wonderfully equalities friendly footballing appreciating merchandise.
My popcorn initiative is too on an upward curve. We need more fat children driving our finances. Let the NHS worry about the aftermath, we’re a business not a charity.
My suggestion of getting “big gulp “cup holders into the seats is being well on the way to fruition too. Myself and Lady Brody are immensely close. Between you and I, we are enjoying a torrid affair. Apparently I can reach heights her Canadian love muscle can only dream of.
If you have any further thoughts on how to improve your match day experience please do let me know.
I’ve suggested a full SAS style body search at Stratford station. I believe this will alleviate numerous issues. It will uniform the professional nature of the search (trust me, if your packing, they’ll find it). That way if your face doesn’t fit or you’re not carrying an “I love the board” badge (These will be sent to all ST holders and match day ticket holders) we can put you straight back on the return train. You won’t even get to darken the hallowed tarmac as you walk to the mecca that is the LS.
In addition, we need to be more accommodating to away fans. My proposals are for them to have lower price beer and food than home fans. We need to appreciate these people have travelled from as a far as Kent to adorn our home, so the least we can do is keep them topped up. I propose to account for this saving by increasing pensioners admission. Let’s face it, they can afford it.
Fake crowd noise is something else I’m keen on. Too many quiet, disgruntled fans, especially when we are 4 or 5 down. Tell me, what happened to proper fans? Those that stayed to the end? Supported through thin and thin? Andy was right. You lot need to take a cold, hard look at yourself. Andy is a man who drags his body through the pain barrier week in week out. How would you like to be in a physio room 3 hours a day and then have to drive home via Dagenham? Some of you need to come and live in the real world before throwing around comments on professional sportsmen.
Lastly, we are turning thoughts to a to Sir David Sully’s decade in charge celebration. We really need fans to start turning their thoughts to this now, as it will take an awful lot of planning and input. I know David Guld and Brody are ensuring that 60% of all future income and transfer sales are ring fenced to ensure we have the appropriate funds in place to celebrate and worship Sir David’s tenure in an appropriate manner. Again, let me know thoughts and we’ll consider everything. So as you can see, there is never any let up working behind the scenes for this amazing club.
Thank your lucky stars people like us are making this effort to ensure you customers supporters are treated with the respect and affection you deserve.
Play up Hammers.