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With the transfer window due to 'slam shut', funny how no one seems to be gentle with it isn't it? The usual media frenzy has begun as to who will end up where. What is obvious is that the sceptre of FFP hangs over club chairman's heads like the sword of Damocles and has had a catastrophic effect on agents' earnings which is why the unsocked Gucci shoe wearers have been seen braving the cold as they attempt to 'hustle up' deals in order to keep them in the style to which they have become accustomed, (sic) the poor dears!

Hammers transfer supremo Tim Steidten is juggling with the limited finances and assets available to him in order to facilitate as many as TEN signings, both in and out of the club. Whether the deals can be got over the line before February the 1st is debatable, but he seems determined to give it a good try!

Those attending the 'viagra and acid' rave down at Stockley Park were 'well impressed' by the lavish spread laid on by Robert Jones enterprises who specialise in 'elite' VIP parties for privileged footballers and Z list 'soshall' media celebrities.

" The light show was fantastic " said one female party goer who was still able to string a cohesive sentence together, but he friend summed up the party atmosphere by saying Jones's body make up stole the show!