Irons Match Re'Tooned' For Saturday

Due to Governmental pressure the Barclays Premier League and it's broadcasting partners have agreed that ALL top flight matches will be screened live during September, consequently West Ham United's fixture against Newcastle United originally scheduled for a 3pm kick off on Saturday has been moved to an 8pm kick off on the same day.

Lord Help Us-Llorente Looms

Inevitably given the circumstances regarding the public knowledge of West Ham United's 'transfer traumas', speculation regarding possible 'acquisitions' will begin with the words free transfer or ageing player or both! There are plenty of 'has beens' queuing up for a final pay day at the club that 'loves to give', the most recent 'dinosaur' to be 'linked' to the club is the 35 year old ex-Tottenham striker Fernando Llorente.

Brady's Brush With Boss-(Audio)

Having been on the receiving end of a letter from Henri Brandman in the past, we know just how 'picky' the club can be over certain issues. Henri Brandman & Co have represented West Ham since around the time of Alan Pardew's departure as manager and before, they are very efficient, so it should be noted they 'minded' West Ham way before the 'unholy trinity' were in place.

Button Up Buttercups

"Button Up Buttercups", or an alternative much more 'industrial' expression, was the phrase first World War officers used as they tried to somehow encourage their subalterns to in turn convince their men that they had the courage to go 'over the top', that and a healthy shot of their preferred brew Gin, more commonly known as 'Dutch Courage'.

Hammers 'Tarking' Rubbish

Supposedly West Ham are ready to make another improved offer for Burnley defender James Tarkowski who has long been a target of David Moyes, the Irons manager is keen to add experience to his back four, but the figures being banded around for Tarkowski will surely mean Moyes will need to sell again before he can buy.

Forward Des(troy)s Move

In what has already been described as a desperate bid to attract the attention of Premier League clubs, Watford's Troy Deeney has been 'bigging up' his goal return compared to that of Hammers' Sebastien Haller and The Toons' Joelinton. “I definitely still see myself as a Premier League striker, I scored double figures last season on one leg, now I’m over my knee troubles. I’m back on two legs,” Deeney told his fellow 'gutter snipes' and bastions of honesty The Sun.

*Betway Bore-West Ham v Bournemouth Team Sheets

West Ham: Martin, Johnson, Diop, Ogbonna, Cresswell, Bowen, Noble ©, Lanzini, Fornals, Antonio, Haller Subs: Trott (GK), Fredericks, Masuaku, Balbuena, Coventry, Cullen, Wilshere, Snodgrass, Felipe Anderson, Xande Silva
Bournemouth: Archer, A.Smith ©, Rico, Mepham, Simpson, Stacey, Danjuma, Lerma, L.Cook, Stanislas, Solanke Subs: Dennis (GK), Gosling, Billing, Kilkenny, Jordan, Pugh, Ofoborh, Zemura, Anthony

Referee: Graham Scott

Peanuts For Diangana-Not Even That For Anderson!

Having of late overseen some of the worst transfer dealings the club has ever experienced, the current owners are exploiting the lack of live fans in attendance by making 'cost cuttings' that resemble massive surgery! You have to give them some form of inverted praise for the way they have managed to alienate fans and players alike in equal measure, it appears that the unholy trinity of David Sullivan, David Gold and the 'Sun writer' are hell bent on revenge for having actually spent a few quid for a brief couple of years, entirely contrary to their usual business model.

Pyrrhic Victory Outcry As Hammers Cash In On Diangana

Without the possibility of selling season tickets at the full rate as opposed to the '30% option' that most fans have elected to take, the powers that be at West Ham United have come up with a 'cunning plan' to make up the difference, so cunning that it defies a 'normal' person's logic but never the less is 'totally' practicable.

Shame On Them-Diangana To 'Debag'!

Having only just recently published an article highlighting Hammers' recruitment issues and player retention, we find ourselves nonplussed by the proposed transfer of Grady Diangana to West Bromwich Albion for an initial fee as low as £12 Million! £12 Million for an England U-21 player who has already proven himself in the top flight is an absolute steal for Slaven Billic's Baggies, if anyone doubted how broke the Irons were then this transfer should focus their mind.


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